Letting Go

del gioco tra Francia e Repubblica portoghese

2006-07-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

http://la-destinazione.livejournal.com/7938.html

del giorno bellissimo!

2006-07-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

http://la-destinazione.livejournal.com/7812.html#cutid1

del calcio

2006-07-04T16:57:00.000-07:00

ITALIA ITALIA!!!!!! DID YOU GUYS SEE BUFFON AND GROSSO AND DEL PIERO????? ITALIA ITALIA!!!! ITALIA PER FIFA WORLD CUP 06!!!!!!

della mia vita!

2006-07-04T00:58:00.000-07:00

i find it really hard to use blogspot nowadays because the server is always slow and problematic! aaarggh.... anyway, here goes:

http://la-destinazione.livejournal.com/7350.html

Have a good week ahead guys!

2006-07-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

this is unbelievable! brazil got knocked out by france! zidane was playing like a god! henry + zidane was actually better than ronaldo + adriano + ronaldinho! and wayne rooney really destroyed other's family jewels!
I really dunnoe who will win ger vs ita, but I do think that fra will take out por. Aaaaargh.... Now that brazil is out, at least the final results will be more exciting! Zambrotta and Toni rule!

of happenings

2006-06-27T01:09:00.000-07:00

i have been on cloud nine since friday... after talking to the immunologist in my lab and listening to her advice, I feel that I am finally ready to adopt a less harsh attitude towards my lab work and getting published.

The chicago trip with rebecca was honestly too good to be true. Her parents were such darlings and the house and garden really swept me off my feet. Italian food was their favorite (though almost completely of german descent) and I really enjoyed the walk by lake michigan and the mozart concerto no 25 in c at the park.

Came back to saint louis and watched a ton of world cup (largely during work time, out of defiance towards ms klein). Italy was really the better of the two during the match against the socceroos, though they put up a good fight. Watched it with a group of researchers that I didn't know and I was positive that there were australians in the midst cos after I cheered with totti's penalty shot, 2 people shot me a deadly venomous glance. Made my exit promptly.

Had a good run in the evening, and then tennis with a few friends. A friend came over to cut my hair, which was pretty successful. Finally, ended up playing classical music, italian arias, spanish operas and 60s american blues on my gramophone (my new love) while having apple wine. Just looking at the vinyl records (which i got from a yard sale at chicago: $2 for the whole box of like 50) makes me go goo-goo-ga-ga. Unfortunately, my 4 yr old camera has finally decided to RIP (which explains the lack of pictures recently) hence no pics for now. Hopefully i can fix it soon.

I am positive that the good weather makes me more positive today. Oh, and I found out that rebecca has the original 1960s vinyl record of sound of music, and coincidentally, our favorite song is "Something good". Go listen to it.. honestly, there's something good in life, you will discover.. =)

2006-06-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

i am off to chicago tmr... but thankfully not by plane, since the Curse of O'hare never fails to get to me...
it's probably a good time for me to think things over too.

By the way, even after brazil's stunning game today, I still think italy has a good chance at the world cup. Forza Italia!

2006-06-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

larrionda jorge is such a shitty referee!

of regrets

2006-06-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

I am a person that works on a parsimonious basis. To be clearer, I don't do things that I know I won't accept or want in the end. Which is why right from the start, after junior college, I didn't apply for med school, nor did I apply for Cornell (lousiest ivy league... CANNOT MAKE IT!)... I knew that I didn't want to be a doctor, nor did I want to go to a singaporen-scholar-dumping-ground school... I didn't apply for this certain phd scholarship in singapore either because I was pretty sure that I didn't want to do academic research. To me, this isn't a lottery where I apply for everything (which is what many of my friends did) and then choose the deal with the best prospects, but not necessarily being the one I actually want. I can't complain much because the research my current scholarship does is product based and definitely application-based, plus it is of a strong collaborative nature with engineers, mathematicians, biologists and computer scientists working together on different projects. Plus it gives me the experience of studying overseas and learning in a liberal arts system (which is so important; it enriches the breadth's of one's horizons). Oh, and it pays for everything too, since no one seems to be working much at home after the retrenchments and early retirements.

A few year down the road, I feel a need to be completely honest with myself. I have been harboring ambitions of moving on to grad school for a PhD after I finish my honors here. One of my major advisors has been psychoing me that, if I am willing, she could write a recommendation letter that would send me to HYP (american slang for harvard, yale and princeton) based on my grades and research experience. It was very tempting because for a very long time, research has been my life. Unfortunately, things haven't been going the way I want them to recently. I need to admit that even if I made it to Harvard, I wouldn't be true to myself because I would be going in for a brand name only, plus the academic research thingy isn't what I want (and isn't completely relevant to my future path either). Secondly, I have strings tied to home. Thirdly, my scholarship hasn't been too flexible and it seems certain that I will be going back to work after my masters. Even if I self-finance my phd with a sship from the university itself, they want me to still do my masters, or if I don't, they would just continue to penalize me for a 6 year bond. On top of that, I need to come back to work for a year, and subject to their approval, possibly move on to a self-financed grad sch education before coming back to fulfil the bond.

There are a lot of issues that I have to consider here. The thing is, klein lab is making things so much harder for me here. After working for so long in this lab, I finally understand that sometimes sticking to something and persevering (which we all might think is a good quality) is actually BAD at times. I saw all the signs of her fickle-mindedness and temperament and lack of good guidance etc... but I was given more and more important projects and I just felt that I could achieve it soon and so I stayed on. Even after the post-docs in my lab told me to leave because they felt that I was completely being wasted and ill-treated in this lab, I still declined because I so wanted those few projects to work. Now, at the end of more than a year of working in this lab, I have no results that belong to me, and more importantly, no sense of self-satisfaction of all that I have done here.

This afternoon, I was doing plaque assays for one of my post-docs when I met this stellar grad student from the lab next door, which published 12 papers in 2 months time. Their professor had almost identical background as ours: harvard-educated, dual MD PhD degrees, young asst profs, west nile virus studies etc.... But he was different because he was a real scientist. He really understood how to do science and how to elucidate the whole picture. Most profs (including mine) nowadays, just keep catching on small points in research and holding on to it for their lives and reiterating and re-researching and re-examining that one little interesting point they found accidentally. It's like mining for gold. One finds a little gold at a spot and digs for his life there; the other understands the need to examine the whole plot of land and understand the grand picture. The graduate student asked me if I wasn't happy or doing well in my current lab, and suddenly all my grievances just poured out. She was very understanding about it and (unfortunately) told me I could have done way better under her prof, seeing the experiences and techniques I already could do. Thoughts of regrets really filled me then. When I got the fellowship from howard hughes, I should have considered that I had a trump card and that profs would be dying to get a howard hughes fellow for free, but instead, I chose to stick to my early decision of trying to work it out in this lab.

She must have sensed the regrets in me and she told me that she was actually accepted to harvard for phd studies a few years back. I was shocked: turning down harvard for washU? and she told me why: apparently, after she got accepted at harvard, the interviewer told her this:

"Melanie, even though you are from Idaho, we still think that you have a chance of succeeding here."

(for the uninformed, idaho is this small white state with like 1 million people and isn't very urbanized)

Yes, the east-coast-personality really does suck alot. But she made a good choice: she had the guts to turn down a top brand for something less because she understood what she wanted exactly. And I really admire her for that, plus she has been doing so well here.

At a time like this (certain events happened in my lab which almost certainly renders my summer internship here a fruitless one. let's just say that someone else messed up my mice but he has diabetes and I don't want to get him into trouble with my prof because he needs the job), I really really need to learn:

Sometimes, when it's time to let go, we really do need to let go.

of learning to be lonely

2006-06-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

A week ago, I set off for Toronto to meet up with 3 of my closest secondary school friends. It was a weird get-together: Wei flew down from Oxford, Aaron from Palo Alto, CT was at the hospital of toronto interning, and I from St. Louis. It struck me very much that somehow, we were a group of friends that had gotten into the rat race way too early. All of us had crazily busy schedules, or else sheer geographical differences kept us apart. It was awkward for me when I found out that CT's two other friends that travelled with us were either my Sierra wingmate or my fellow CCA-mate, and I had no impression of it at all! And I was the dumb one asking which wing he was from and what CCA she had in jc.

The days flew by very quickly (I have this urge to write about The Curse of O'hare but why spoil your mood when things can't be turned back? Let's just say that I faced numerous flight delays, cancellations, sleep-over at the airport and extra personal security checks, courtesy of racial profiling from our favorite idiot: George Bush). Toronto is not exactly an exciting city and it kinda looks and feels exactly the same as it did ten years ago. It's just a very sterile city without much interesting stuff going on. But the company more than made up for it. We talked about the good old days, KTV-ed at the Chinatown, had awesome seafood (lobsters included!), took photos at Niagara Falls like our lives depended on it, talked bad about each other in front of each other... God, I could live like this forever! When my flight was delayed from Dallas back to Saint Louis, I couldn't help but take out my personal travelling diary and wrote down as much as I could about the trip. It's a scary feeling of this beautiful photo fading away slowly in front of you and never coming back to you again.

When I got back to St. Louis, I was unhappy with the situation for a while. Firstly, my experiments at the lab were going out of hand. I couldn't manage all the new projects I had been given and it made me nervous all the time because each experiment was so expensive and my prof was so down my neck for results for the paper meant to be published in August. I used to think that academic research would be my life, but now I know that I can't be more wrong. Almost all the big discoveries that led to improvements in Man's life have been made. Almost all of science now is just the specifics: which enzyme triggers this, which proteins make up the cascade, which molecule is the cell marker for T cells infiltration. I now understand why this post-doc at my lab is always saying "Whatever!". When you have lost interest, whatever goes. The life of an immunologist is barely as interesting as it sounds. And I really need to get my flow cytometry working before Ms Klein has to work on me. At the same time, my housemates and one of their moms had bought a whole list of useless stuff for the house when I was away, of which the carbon monoxide detector had to be the winner of the lot. CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTOR! It was damn expensive and I asked the mom why we needed one: "Oh, I have seen on TV how whole families die from CO poisoning in their sleep!" So I asked "and where does the CO come from in our house?" "Oh, I have ABSOLUTELY no idea. But I have seen on TV how whole families die from CO poisoning in their sleep!"

Now, I have this huge bill waiting for me to settle because of their dumb shopping. To make things worse, my housemates and the mom came to have a heart-to-heart talk with me about my second hand furniture in my room being old and needing to be replaced. I have never seen such rude behavior before, and it was indeed a rude shock, because these are people that are my good friends here and you would think that being close would guarantee similar living habits but apparently I have been proven dead wrong. I really haven't seen people so dumb before. A table costs 100USD first hand and they bought it 2nd hand for $60 and it was half-broken! I have nothing against white american people (ok, this is getting personal, I mean them), but I have sense and sensibility to choose the appropriate physical stuff in my room, and at the appropriate price tag too my dear. And I don't take fruits and bread from the fridge that belongs to other people too. That got me completely dumbfounded: a mom comes to help her daughter move into college and stays with us and finishes all my fruits and bread without telling me until I find out when I am desperate to get breakfast just before work? Isn't it a little embarrassing for someone of her age?

I am willing to learn whatever lessons that life has to offer. But I have to say that this is the most unexpected one of all: being on good terms with a person is barely a good indicator for living together in harmony. Knowing a person in different contexts means very different things, and that said, things are going on fine again and I will learn it the hard way even if it means it's harder. Last night, I kept my grievances bottled and when Allison came over, we had too much of wine (2.5 bottles among Nicole, me and her). I have always been careful not to allow myself to get drunk because it's not something I like. But suddenly the overpouring dissatisfaction with life and all its subtleties just got to my head and next moment Nicole was blasting techno music and we were jumping to the music on Temu's bed while we took photos of which I am too embarrassed to show (booties and boobs; all covered though). It was like an outlet for all the pented unhappiness and I was just shouting at the top of my voice (I was told the next morning that when we got out of the house, I called our neighbour a womanizer; oops!).

This morning, I woke up with a headache and I told myself that nope, this isn't gonna happen ever again. Complaining and whining and getting drunk gets one nowhere. But living in life, ar, that's a completely different thing.

I happened to patch back the relationship with a dear friend that had fallen out with me last summer. I think after so many years, we do care a lot for each other, but hurtful words are sometimes too hurtful for a close friendship and I am glad that she contacted me again and we got over things.

Phantom of the Opera is coming to St. Louis and I can't wait to watch it. Musicals remind me of a certain friend because he loves musicals so much. The other day, we had a talk online and after so many years, we finally came to such a beautiful understanding of things.

I have learned that the best way to make yourself lonely is to yearn for possession. Possession kills relationships and sours the beauty in everything. If one can be above possessing, then one needs not fear loneliness, for one has everything in this world already.

Some people are lonely. Some people want to be lonely. Some people are surrounded by people but still feel lonely. Some people think that they should appear lonely. Yet others put up a strong front and act loved when no one is in their lives. Many have loving families or loving other-halfs but feel like a fish out of water. Or some are loved but choose to leave, and end up regretting it even if it's only 3 months.

How far can we go down this long and winding road?

This song is dedicated to all who are lonely:

Learn To Be Lonely from the Phantom of the Opera

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world

There are arms to hold you

You’ve always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to Be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

Life can be lived life can be loved alone

of god

2006-05-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

http://la-destinazione.livejournal.com/2006/05/19/

Warning: an excessively long post that goes on and on. Read at own risk. I would love to hear what you have to say if you are willing please. Thanks!

of domestic affairs

2006-05-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

the other day, I invited a few friends over for dinner so I whipped up an italian dinner consisting of prosciuto e melone, gnocchi, tortellini, pasta and red wine. I bought the ground beef from Schnucks and left it in the fridge. yesterday, to my horror, I opened the fridge to realize that it had turned from bright red to a gloomy yucky brown after 4 days.

apparently, meat has to be frozen else they spoil, even if they were sold unfrozen in the first place.

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT RITE??

Today, I decided to try to cook fish... after my frens laughed at me for not knowing that the microwave oven can actually defrost, i decided to try the function... at first, everything was good... and then the fish fillets began to get burnt at the edges while the center portions remained rock hard and ice cold. In a moment of desperation, I threw it on the pan anyway, to fry it and hopefully melt the center. Then the WHOLE PAN caught on fire. not the fish alone. the whole pan. I freaked out and tried to blow the fire out. THEN IT GOT BIGGER.

finally, i threw the whole pan into the sink and turned on the running water and in a climatic moment of water hissing in the flames, I began to feel plain useless. =(

Hugs, anyone?

2006-05-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

hey guys,

currently, I don't have internet access due to problems with the router at the new house. Hopefully, I can get it working asap. Take care guys!

of the emotional baggage we carry around with us

2006-04-29T02:30:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I suddenly decided I really needed a car. So I found a good deal and bought it. It was a good deal, except that it would only be available end-May. Meaning that I had purchased a car for the purpose of moving house (and to California eventually, of course), only to not have the car for use when I needed to move. So I reluctantly called U Haul and rented a 14 feet-long truck for the big day tomorrow (just moving most of my stuff but will still be living on campus until finals end the week after).

A few hours ago, I suddenly realized that I needed to pack up all my stuff. In a moment of impulse, I tore down everything in the room and put them into boxes and crates and luggages and bags and what-nots. Suddenly, the whole room looks bare again, just like the first day that I stepped into it. Honestly, when I was a freshman, living in Thomas Eliot house was quite a good experience. I had a swimmer hunk, a New Yorker Jew and a local St. Louisan as my suitemates. It was a party floor and every wkend I got to see pple puke, puke, and then puke again, while my neighbour blasted some Lil Jon hip hop music like there's no tomorrow. And then in my sophomore year (which is almost coming to an end minus the big bang), I moved to Rutledge because one of my suitemates wanted sub-free housing. So I ended up living with the geeks from Beaumont and that was kinda fun too... seeing people study orgo in the morning, and then in the afternoon, and then in the evening, and finally at supper again. The RAs were terribly nice (Duretti in pyjamas and Sarah the musclewoman) and stuff looked pretty good.

But like water, we humans always tend to move in the direction of least resistance, whether or not we like it. The new house is just too good to be resistable. Granted that I would probably be cursing and swearing when I have to actually mow the lawn or pull out the weeds or kill overgrowing populations of kois in my pond, I just couldn't say no to the Venetian plaster walls (think: I am gonna hang my Caravaggio painting on it, how much cooler can it get?).

But tonight, ar, tonight, after ripping my room back to square one, I am suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of nostalgia. After moving here and there (and I don't mean dorm rooms), I am a little weary. I can't help but wonder when it's time to actually stop and allow yourself to really grow into a place (did i ever mention that one of the most beautiful sights in Singapore is the night view outside my bedroom?). But the little voice reminds me that both fear and attachment are the mind killers that I must overcome. So I look upon my limp and lifeless room and try not to think where the Van Gogh poster went, or my winter clothings on the top shelf, or the Lonely Planet guide to Ireland on my desk.

Today is the last day of school (although I so spastically signed up for Sat 9-2 classes every week which means tmr is still school day for me and I swear never to make such a dumb mistake again because the flesh is weak and the mind is even more so). My italian professor came into class with her 10-yr-old daughter and made us continue our in-class composition review of a movie called "Io non ho paura" (I am not scared). At the end of the class, she needed us to fill up an anonymous evaluation form and so she had to leave the class while we would fill it up. She looked at her daughter and said,

"Cosima, it's time for us to leave."

And her daughter, who was having fun just sitting around us college kids, refused to budge.

"Cosima, we REALLY have to leave. It is time for us to go." A firmer tone.

And then my professor literally held on to her daughter's elbow and pulled her to the door, and then she realized she had forgotten to say anything for the last day of class and so she turned back and said "Goodbye class. I really enjoyed teaching all of you and I really hope to see all of you in some other italian classes in future." The class responded enthusiastically with our fake italian-accented "brava!"s. And then she went on,

"So this is goodbye for now and ...." and the next moment she was tearing and she quickly said in italian "I don't like farewells, they are just too..."

And then she rushed out with her daughter with the door slamming shut behind her. I felt a tinge of sadness in me then; the kind that's not over the top but subtle and enduring.

Yes, sometimes emotions have this habit of creeping up behind you step by step for god-knows-how-many-eons and before you even know it, they have captured your heart. Amen.

of things long gone

2006-04-24T04:37:00.000-07:00

I really wonder how we allow each day to pass us by, knowing that it would never be ours to re-live again.

During a conversation with Aaron, it struck me how easily we succumb to time's pressure that we almost forget. Somehow or another, we drifted to our BMT days at Taurus Coy in Tekong. You know what? I've always thought of my recruit days as one of my most meaningful periods of my life. I think a problem with urban life is the lack of any "real" obstacles for the most part of your youth. And being a recruit teaches you how to face with the shit that life gives you and come to realize that optimism and pessimism can make a difference at the end of the day. I feel that people of our times are plagued by the need to put ourselves in perpetual torment and it's not something that I can fight either. But sometimes when I recall of the times that we secretly stood at the top floor of Ulysses looking at the vast open sea, or the times when mr GBK was digging a shell scrape till he momentarily fainted (that did scare me a whole lot, did u know that?), or jeremey and kenneth singing their a capella at the window, or secretly saying hi to aaron or wj at the corridors, or talking bad about the fat sergeants, or casavacing each other when there's actually no "arty arty", or the secret solace in humming "hei se you mo" to myself when proning... I actually thank whoever's up there for the things I have learned along this journey.

XXX

Sherry Ortner wrote a book entitled "New Jersey Dreaming". In this book, she begins to trace every single person of her '58 high school class and their current lives. This idea really interests me. How the nerd became the playboy. Or how the math genius turned out to be a happy househusband. How people spread across the whole country far from NJ (isn't it amazing that jobs dictate your whole geography of life?). And the economic disparity between the black and white classmates. Or how some people still remember about high school feuds (and HAVE NOT got over them after such a long time). Do you realize that we are in the making of such a same scenario? The particle spreads into the packet of waveform until we go find out how each other are doing; then it collapses into a point again and you say "I knew it! He was always a hidden artist and not a mathematician!"

XXX

Many people who study in Singapore (i.e. NUS, NTU, SMU...) complain that it's stifling... So people try to leave. So some people apply for scholarships, some go for exchange semesters, some do overseas internships. Ar, the sweet smell of the greener grass on the other side of the pasture. But have you ever wondered what the whole package actually entails? You never know till you try it and I wish everyone the best of luck.

XXX

This must be the year of repeats. My schedule for the year (some parts tentative) is as such:

Early Jan - Singapore for winter break
Mid Jan to mid March - St. Louis for school
10 days - Ireland, Scotland (again) and London (again)
to mid May - St. Louis for school
mid May for 5 days - Toronto (again)
to late July - St. Louis for research internship at medical school
- World's largest ketchup bottle
- Hannibal, hometown of erhmm hannibal
- Chicago (again)
- Kansas City
to late Aug - Singapore
early Aug - Hong Kong (again)
late Aug to Thanksgiving - St. Louis for school
Thanksgiving - Mexico (amigos para siempre!)
Nov to Dec- St. Louis for school
late Dec- Singapore for winter break

I like to see how places have changed. Sometimes, changes are small and subtle and are hardly detectable. Sometimes, changes are out of our expectations. When I was in HK right after the 97 return to China, I could still feel the vibrancy and apprehensions of the city. 3 years later, I found that the city had lost some of its character (no thanks to mainlander chinese culture). I am apprehensive about how I will feel towards a 3rd time at Hai Yang Gong Yuan, but I think that I will still love that sad but stunning view at Tian Xing Ma Tou. Likewise, I wonder if Toronto now looks like Vancouver (it's been more than 10 long years, plenty of time for more migration). God, thankfully, London remained as rainy and gloomy as it used to be.

Don't you sometimes wish that both people and things don't change? Alas, the sweet seduction!

XXX

Was watching Grey's Anatomy and it made me all emotional again, seeing the lives of these people all spread out in front of me; the cranky acts and the sad tears, the unfaithful wife and the indifferent husband, the longing-for-love people. Am I really the Wreck of the Day? Sometimes, I feel like I am sitting on top of the Citadel, but what if I fall? Could I hide my head under the Paper Bag in embarrassment? You know, I would like to Bleed, but could it not be painful? And after holding your breath for so long, you too, couldn't help but finally Breathe (the autonomic system overrides your nervous control in the end, I assure you).

XXX

The weekend was horribly jampacked and I confess I am a little tired at this point of time. Listening to Kendall Payne's Scratch. What a beautiful song. Will try to post pictures of Thurtene Carnival, Asian Night Market (I did DDR with rebecca!) and my favorite Outback Steakhouse. On a more realistic note, I have reserved most of the 2nd hand furniture that I need to buy, and incidentally, I also bought a 03 Mazda Protege. Sigh, ah kai, you are such a bad boi. You will suffer later, you will see.

Wishing everyone peace of mind. Can someone cook some nice asian food for me PLEASE?

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

2006-04-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

TODAY IS EASTER BUT I FORGOT SO I WENT DOWN TO THE CLAYTON SCHNUCKS AREA TO GET A HAIRCUT ONLY TO FIND IT CLOSED SO MY SUITEMATES AGREED TO CUT MY HAIR SINCE SUMMER IS ABOUT TO COME THEY USED MY HAIR SHAVER AND A REGULAR PAIR OF SCISSORS AND GAVE ME A "HAIR-BOWL CUT" (I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, ONE OF THEM IS BLACK. WHAT DO THEY UNDERSTAND ABOUT ASIAN HAIR ANYWAY?) WORSE STILL THERE WAS A PATCH THAT WAS COMPLETELY SKIN-HEAD FINALLY MY OTHER ABC SUITEMATE TOOK OUT HIS HAIR SHAVER AND GAVE ME A RECRUIT HAIR CUT

YES I SAID RECRUIT NOT CADET AT LEAST FOR CADET HAIR CUT YOU ARE ALLOWED THAT BIT OF PRIDE AT THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD AND A LITTLE BY THE SIDES AND BACK

BUT NO I GOT THE RECRUIT ONE COUPLED WITH A PATCH OF SKIN HEAD BY THE SIDE

SOMEBODY SEDATE ME

*PLEASE AVOID ALL CONTACT WITH ME I AM ABOUT TO GO CRAZY =(

of ireland

2006-04-09T03:07:00.000-07:00

Yoyo folks, I wrote some stuff about my trip to Ireland, go check it out if you are free. =)

http://la-destinazione.livejournal.com/5069.html

of good news and bad news

2006-04-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

I just became a Howard Hughes Medical Institute Research Fellow! Yay!!

And I just signed my lease to my new house! The house has Venetian plaster walls and a gorgeous kitchen, a beautiful lawn and yard with a pond with kois, and a garage to park the car and I got a BIG room (415 USD a month!). And did I add: I live opposite the cinema and Schnucks (the nice grocery shop) and St. Louis Bread Company and Outback Steakhouse and Applebees!

Oh, I have to stay at least 10 weeks in St. Louis over the summer for the fellowship internship. =(

Anyone wants to come visit?

of who I want to become

2006-03-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, if you are reading this without having read my previous post, you need to read the previous one before you read this.

A mini-crisis has struck my workplace. My professor has 3 research grants, and one of them is from NIH (for the uninformed, NIH is the nation's highest authority in research and generates most medical/biological research work and funding). She has this habit of telling people that she "has the money to do the research she wants", which is fair enough because she's just an assistant professor, so it's kinda prestigious for her to get the best type of NIH grant (even within NIH, there are diff kind of grants and the best one gives the most money and most autonomy, but it's also the hardest to get). However, life has a way of putting us where we belong when we forget.

The Jewish bitch (the lab's nickname for her; it's kinda harsh but if you read on you probably will emphatize a little with our situation) ran out of money! It seems that my boss had too many ideas and she always jumped from idea to idea. I mean, they were all brilliant ideas, just that whenever results don't turn out as she expects them to, she loses her attention and happily skips on to another idea. All of us in the lab are managing multiple projects which start and end according to her whim and fancy. Over the 2 semester that I have been working for her, I have spent more than 10K already (And imagine: my projects are the easiest and cheapest ones). It seems that her dunnoe-how-many-hundred-thousand-dollars-grant got depleted by, get this: MICE!

Yes, Miss Klein had too many mice (you are charged per cage per day) and was running bills of 5K a mth JUST for keeping mice alive in the medical facilities. Can you believe that? And then expensive pure breeds of mice were bought. Transgenic mice were bought (one mouse costs 1K. I can't even understand why. I mean, yeah, i know transgenic work is tough. But 1K?). Massive numbers of knock-out mice colonies were bred. Mating pairs performed. Blah blah blah. (did i say that ms klein has ambitiously overhired people and has a lab of like 10 people which isn't common for an asst prof at all)

So Miss Klein declares an emergency in the lab and we have been banned from buying new stuff such as chemicals for 1 week because April 1 marks the start of a NEW financial year and suddenly she will be the rich bitch she once was again. I found the whole thing hilarious. Hilarious because it was her fault (for nto watching the funds and for asking so much out of everyone in terms of the projects we were doing; there was a day that I killed like ONE HUNDRED mice. Can anyone emphatize with that?) and hilarious only because the money was gonna come back a week later.

Well, wrong wrong wrong.

Q confided in me the other day. Actually, she's a post-doctoral doctor and she divorced her husband in China to bring her son to America. The project she has been working on is coming to an end and the Jewish bitch was gonna give first authorship to a graduate student when it's Q's work all the while! The conversation just got too emotional when she kept saying that the only reason why she's working here is because of her son. And then it went on tangents and I realized how hard things have been for her: it's hard to please this kind of boss while you are trying to make money to buy Abercrombie shirts that cost a bomb for your son because it's a "disgrace" to wear clothings from Walmart in america. Talk about the difficulties of getting a green card man.

And then Judy cried and hugged me the other day. Miss Klein told her that the deficit is DUE to Judy because she's the lab officer and lab officers should manage budgets (which is completely skewed since lab officers make sure bills are PAID, not which bills can be paid). Miss Klein retracted her employee evaluation and is gonna give her a "new" one. Just a small thing to add: Judy cried because she wanted to quit but needed to stay for another year because that would give her 10 years of work in the medical school and hence free medical insurance and retirement pension (she's divorced and living alone. Her only daughter is in Houston.)

And then Angie (my favorite latina Phd student) was called in Miss Klein's office: "I don't know why you achieved so little. Whether it's because u are lazy, bored, or simply uninterested? Sorry, your grade is going to be bad." Oh well, I don't know how on earth she can find a next lab to rotate in with this kind of recommendation letter from Miss Klein.

So on and forth. It turns out that I got the best deal among there: just a 2 for "dependability" and no daily scoldings.

I have learned a lot in the past few days and these are lessons that I won't forget.

XXX

I really want to be a better person, and a real person. That's why I take philosophy, dabble in anthropology, and try to learn another language. I don't want to be contented with the current situation because I am honestly lacking in too much. I really want to do more and the past week's experiences with people from all walks of life have shaken me a little out of my comfort zone and face up to life. I want to meet diffrent people of different cultural backgrounds. I want to be more than just a student because going to school doesn't mean much to me. I want to touch the lives of people because everyone has a story to tell and deserved to be listened to.

I really want to be a better person.

XXX

Just before I left work today, I told Q and Judy that it was actually my birthday. Not that I really celebrate it anyway. I mean, it was a little shocking to receive an iPod out of nowhere, and then a surprise dinner and other stuff etc, but these don't really mean anything to me. I just told them because these are 2 frens that are meaningful to me in a special way after some time (although the age gap is kinda big, haha). Judy gave me a big hug and Q wanted to buy food and deliver it to my place at nite. It was all very touching.

And no, Q didn't deliver the food at night eventually but I thought that was probably my best birthday gift this year because I knew that she meant it and our kind of friendship is the kind the runs deep but appears like a shallow ripple off the pond.

Isn't that beautiful?

of dublin, food-poisoning and a successful failure

2006-03-31T23:36:00.000-08:00

This is something that I wrote but didn't feel like showing anyone; in current context, it's appropriate since some other stuff happened. It's written slightly more than a week ago.

When I was in Ireland, I travelled around on my own with a Lonely Planet.

According to Lonely Planet: "The most famous Irish bread, and one of the signature tastes of Ireland, is soda bread. Irish flour is so soft and doesn't take well to yeast as a raising agent, so Irish bakers of the 19th century began to leavened their bread with soda. Combined with buttermilk, it makes a superbly light-textured and tasty bread."

Well, I don't like to travel to countries and eat stupid food like american fast food. Therefore, when given a choice (yes, I admit that i was eating 2 Mac hamburgers for lunch everyday when I was in Switzerland 3 years back, but that's because it's Switzerland. i couldn't even afford to go to the bathroom man), I would prefer to eat the local food.

So when I was on my way to The Cliffs of Moher, I went through Doolin and needed lunch. Unfortunately, the famous Irish bar there was selling lunch at a ridiculous price and I don't tink the typical irish fried potatoes and sausages dish is exactly authentic, so I ended up at an irish bakery which sold irish bread! yay!

The only catch: all the bread was in large open baskets on the ground. I thought, heck it, if the irish can eat it, so can I.

That lunch, I had an irish bread (90p) and a cereal bar and a pack of gummy bears (all brought over from america). The bread was good, honestly. Had quite a unique texture and softness.

By the time I took the bus to Galway (Ireland's third largest city), I was running a fever, had multiple diarrhoea attacks, a whole body ache and a splitting headache. Yes, thanks to the infamous irish bread, I had food-poisoning for 3 days straight. It started with the normal diarrhoea and before I knew it, I couldn't even pass motion normally. I was passing out green smell-less liquids straight and high-school biology tells you that it has to be bile straightout of the stomach. By the time I got to Galway, I was having silly thoughts of myself dying ALONE in ireland and being buried at the Cliffs of Moher, or worse still, Limerick (what a joke it would be then). Ok, I know this sounds silly but remember, Dublin was my base in Ireland. Dublin was where my student hostel was for those few days and I was travelling alone on the trains and buses that ran across the whole Ireland. I honestly thought I wouldn't make it back even though that was just plain dumb on hind-sight.
So after I got to Galway by bus, I had 1hour before my train left for Dublin for the night. I ran to the bathroom, relieved myself, and then bought a 2 liter bottle of orange juice and had it for dinner (not so much to save money but because I needed to hydrate myself severely and vit c would be helpful). Then, I went down quickly to the famous St. Nicholas Cathedral, snapped a shot, and then hopped on the 3plus hour train ride back to Dublin.

I think I have learned my lesson. While I think backpacking alone is wonderful (esp. the moments of quiet you enjoy and the time for reflection and the freedom of choices), I now have second thoughts of doing south america alone. I have this recurring nightmare of me choking on enchellidas filled with mexican poison and colored pesto-green while I die a horrible death.

Ok, the above is completely out of point and doesn't reflect my thoughts of the trip at all. More on that in my livejournal travelogue soon i promise.

XXX

I reached St. Louis in the late evening on a Sunday. On Monday afternoon, I found out that my boss was angry that I couldn't turn up to present for the lab meeting (it was my turn). I knew that she was just being an unreasonable bitch cause trip or no trip (she was sore that I went to Europe during my one week holiday because I didn't apply leave and that doesn't make sense to me at all cos harlow, it's a sch holiday! who applies for leave during school holidays?) I had classes on Monday morning and wouldn't be able to make it anyway (and she knew about that beforehand but she said she was too busy to give me a reply).

Anyway, my mentor called to say that my professor (i.e. my boss) decided that I would present on Wed instead. Emotions aside, I realized that I was in for trouble because every single experiment I had done since my last presentation failed. Also, my last presentation was a bad one (cos it was my first time presenting in front of all these doctors) but at least there was a small nice result for my experiments. I was nervous and stammered and occassionally even forgot my slides-order. It was such a mediocre performance that at the end, everyone just left right after my presentation and my professor had to come up and say "good job" to me as a consolation because she worked with me for the presentation and knew the hard work that I put in.

This time, the monster was gonna be my professor cos of the trip I took without "her permission". So I decided that I needed some other arsenal (since all the experiments failed). On Wednesday, I went to the conference room earlier and arranged 3 boxes of irish chocolates (irish whiskey, irish cream and leprachaun-shaped chocolates). I took my highly professional laser pointer and adjusted all the lightings in the room to perfection. I added a hilarious picture of a t-shirt I took in london ("good girls go to heaven, bad girls go to london") in my presentation and added lotsa st patrick's day ditzy pictures along side some of my western blot pictures. Finally, I modeled my presentation to make it look like in spite of all the disappointing results, I was a highly resourceful scientist who made many great improvisations to current existing protocols.

It turns out that both Judy and Erin had irish blood and were enjoying the presentation very much (at one point, judy even interrupted me and began to talk about some serpent-lore in ireland and my professor had to stop her!) and Erin even gave me some pointers for my protein-transfer and even affirmed that my protocols were good. Bo and Qiuling kept saying the chocolates were great. Angie just kept eating and smiling at me. Even the new MD PhD student said the presentation was great. By the end of the presentation, everyone was laughing and the weirdest thing was: pple came up to CONGRATULATE me on an "absolutely fantastic" presentation, which left me extremely baffled (remember, I had absolutely no results since my past presentation and all my experiments failed!).

Finally, my professor (who was still nursing a grudge against my period of leave) just gave me a lousy smile and left the room. (i guess she couldn't do anything cos everyone just made it sound like I gave the best presentation for all lab meetings in a long time!)

So, from feeling despair and being worried about how it would go, my moods just went straight up through cloud nine from this unexpected response.

Unfortunately, life teaches you a lesson whenever you don't stand on sturdy ground.

While I was whistling to a tune while doing RNA extraction, my boss called me into her room. Turns out that the department of medicine was calling for a end of financial year performance evaluation of research staff. She gave me that lousy smile that she wore at the presentation and then started telling me my grading. ( 1 to 4, 1 being the worst, 4 being the best) At that point of time, I was wondering if you would give me bad gradings for the lack of leave application. Well, she gave me 3 for most aspects and so I felt good (i mean, can't expect too much right? She's a harvard bitch leh). Then she gave me a 4 for "Working relationships" and almost sarcastically, said that EVERYONE, yes, EVERYONE in the lab liked me.

And then she added, in the most casual of tones, "Oh, lastly, I gave you a 2 for dependability and work habits. I would like to know of all your absences more in advance in future."

Yeah, what goes around comes around. Sigh, no amount of trickery could fool that jewish woman. She handed me the evaluation form and told me to write my comments and countersign it before returing it to her.

I took it and felt a little dejected (which i know is plain-dumb but just couldn't get over the feeling of being blamed for something you ought not to be). And then out of no where, I decided to be a little mean back. So I sat down and under employee's comments, i wrote, "I have learned a lot at the lab... blah blah blah... I will pay attention to applying for leave in future, even if it's a school holiday such as spring break." Signature.

Haha, i gave my boss the widest smile I could muster when I returned her the form. She said "Thank you" and I replied, "No, thank YOU. Really, thank YOU." =) =) =)

XXX

We all have to learn how to cope with failures in life and on second thoughts, the best way is really to shit out all the crap and then take a photo in front of St Nicholas Cathedral with your best smile as if it was ur best day ever.

Ciao

of mardi gras!

2006-03-06T22:09:00.000-08:00

http://la-destinazione.livejournal.com/4352.html

of missed opportunities, love stories and dark rooms

2006-02-24T03:57:00.000-08:00

Within an hour of me complaining about death cab for cutie, aaron messaged me to tell me that they would be performing on the 11th of March in oxford (as in oxford, england) and was wondering if I would be there on that day.

Can you believe it? I will be in oxford on 11th of Mar! It just happened that that's how I planned my itinerary for my spring break. So, full of enthusiasm, I went online to purchase the tickets. I was so darn sure that the brits wouldn't listen to death cab for cutie since they had better artistes with the whole poignant angst thingy...

Can you believe it? It was sold out. I can already imagine how the oxfordians will be packing The Zodiac while I will STILL be at oxford sulking my way the whole night because I would have been like 15 min away from death cab for cutie twice in my life but just NOT at the concert itself.

Ok, enough of this whining. I just wanted to see them very badly. When I told my suitemate about this, I received a very surprising answer. "Oh, since you always check this kind of things, can you tell me when Mariah Carey comes to St. Louis?"

Sorry, to me, the current Mariah Carey is not an artiste. We don't belong together. Please forget about us (and the album Glitter)

XXX

Judy has been telling me more about her love stories. So it turned out that she wasn't married once, but twice. That means she has been divorced twice.

The other day, she was talking about a boyfriend that she had for 10 years, AFTER she was divorved from both marriages (that is pretty late in your life, if you think about it). Somehow or another, they just never got married. With a longing look in her eyes, she told me "It was a long distance relationship that lasted for ten years." I was full of awe until she said, "Oh, I was in Houston and he was in Dallas."

Ok, that wasn't long distance at all. But that's not the point. The point is, she met the guy EVERY SINGLE weekend in a small town in between the two cities and they erhmm "did everything" (i quote), which i presume means the whole dating thing, the lovey-dovey can't-separate thing, and erhmm of course the whole sex thing (sorry if you had to squint to see that, haha i am shy lah). And well, they both thought that they were so suited for each other, because after 10 years, they were still together. But they just didn't get married, that was the key point and that was puzzling to me. But I kept my mouth shut (see, even kai kai can learn a lesson or two).

Just as I added in my last micropipette of Trizol, she suddenly said,
"Oh, but I know why we got along so well. That's because we never lived with each other so we never got to see each other shit, throw a tantrum, live together, quarrel, fight over utilities bill, or even argue about who should bring the trash out. That's WHY."
*walks away leaving a blazing trail of her scorching words*

Gosh, sometimes brutal honesty works. We just don't want to know it.

The next day, Judy went on with more love stories (in a way, i am kinda glad that we are getting pretty close since I will be in st. louis for the most of the summer, and while she could be my mom/grandma, I really do take a liking for her personality). This one was even better. So, when she left Texas (after the "long distance relationship") and came back to Missouri, she decided one day that she had to erhmm put herself out there again (yes, it's a wild market out there, didn't you know that?). So she goes with her girlfriends to a nightclub one night and she sees this guy (yes, we are talking like 60 yrs old, which is natural since that's how roughly how old Judy is) dancing. He had like a beautiful crop of white and gray hair and was dancing so well that everyone was looking at him. She called him a "silver fox" (to which I suggested "the richard gere type?" and she exclaimed "Yes yes yes!"). Well, Judy being Judy, she went up to him and asked him IF HE WOULD LIKE TO DANCE WITH HER. Gosh, that gal's got guts man. He said yes and then they danced for quite a while, and she kept saying that he was "god-damn hot". Just before she left the night club, he gave her a business card and she was thrilled because she was definitely gonna call him and who-knows-what-could happen.

A few days later, she lost the business card (somehow or another) when she was looking for it in her handbag. So that's that. A broken connection.

A few months later, she found out that Yahoo! has a page that allows people to look for an ideal mate. You just have to input information about yourself and kinda advertise for yourself and people will read your profiles and get back to you. And while she was scrolling through the ads, lo and behold! She found her "silver fox" again. Yayness! And then she read the profile:

http://personals.yahoo.com/us/preview/preview?search=1&resulttype=1&kws=0&searchinternal=1&position=17&total=139&adid=personals-1062345788-079006&affid=&searchview=1&searchsort=1&speed=2&advanced=1&primary=&searchname=

And well, she was disgusted by it. It's hilarious. Go read his profile. Go figure. He has an extremely long (read: desperate) profile which goes on to elaborate how he has discovered that tall chicks can be hawt too and yeah, blacks don't need to apply. And remember, NO PHOTO NO RESPONSE (that's like putting your penis out there for everyone to see, if you know what I mean).

So Judy decided not to contact him. But Judy being Judy, she goes on to search for him on EVERY other single dating-ad program. And you know what? She found him on EVERY single one of them. So she decides to apply her "look-wait-buy" theory. Basically, this theory is derived from the purchasing of a car. You look at papers and ads and you see an ad for a car. And you should keep looking and waiting. Not because you can't afford it, but because ads that have been rerun for forever are the ones that you shouldn't contact. It's tried and tested - those are the rotten apples.

And yes, Judy being Judy, she checks his ads every week for a year and it's still up there.
Gosh, so many intricacies involved, but yeah, there ain't no love in the air (i feel it in my fingers~ i feel it in my toes)

ENJOY, ragazzi.

XXX

Everyone who does western blotting understands the voidness of the dark room. After several failed attempts to get the correct western blotting, I have been reduced into a nervous wreck every time I even step close to the dark room.

I now understand why so many people want to develop their own pictures, why there are so many enthusiasts. When the light is off, there's nothing u can do but grope in the dark. Suddenly the sense of touch has a heightened awareness and you are thrown into a void of nothingness. The first time my mentor brought me to the dark room, I panicked real badly when he switched off the light. We are too used to the light; we just have to see everything so clearly. But after a few more times on my own, I have learned to appreciate being in the dark. There is a loose insanity involved in taking out your films and your HRP-conjugated membranes and literally exposing them to get your autoradiogram before you develop them. During that period, there is just nothing. No one appears to you, no one has the most fashionable clothing, no one will judge ur personality based on one look, better still, there's no one.

So the other night, I was developing an autoradiogram when I heard the door turning. Obviously someone came in and seeing that the lights were off, she knew someone else was in the room too. She said a casual "hi" which filled the whole room with a nice warmness while I uttered back a hi too. And then we began to talk.

In my frustration, I said, "Western blots are tricky, rite?"

"Yeah."

"They just don't come out the way you want them, rite?"

"Yeah. They don't. They just don't turn out the way you want them."

"But why?"

"There are so many reasons. Sometimes, the immunological protein isn't there. Sometimes, you think that the primary antibody wants that protein only, but it doesn't. It wants something else too. It binds to something else too."

"Yeah. And sometimes the secondary antibody doesn't just go for the primary too, does it? Sometimes it wants something else too, rite? Even though it was meant for the primary.."

"Rite. And sometimes you get bands that aren't of the correct size. Sometimes, it's actually the correct protein but the size is wrong just because the protein has been modified. And so, you miss it, even though it was the right one for you."

"And sometimes another protein could be glycosylated and it could be at the right band when it's not the one you actually want. Right?"

"Yes."

"Yeah."

*machine churns out last failed autoradiogram"

"Ny name is ursula."

"Mine is kai."

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too."

"Bye."

I left the dark room.

2006-02-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

Can you believe it? After 3 straight weeks of exams and online inactivity, I just found out that Death Cab for Cutie, The Strokes, Wilco and Jamie Cullum will be coming to St. Louis. Yes, I know I can't watch the last one because I will be in ireland by then anyway.

But yes, THEY ARE COMPLETELY SOLD OUT.

death cab for cutie........ I really want to kill myself now. I did a desperate search for illegal ticket sales online and they are going for around 100 dollars each. =(

Still deciding whether to go for KT Tunstall since it's the night before I fly to UK and I have a biochemistry exam that ends half an hour after doors open. =( The only good thing is that she will come late anyway, and tickets are unlikely to be moving much at all since americans don't quite have a thing for scottish artistes....

Gosh, I think I really have been at the other side of the world for too long. death cab for cutie...... boo hoo...... =(

SOMEBODY SEDATE ME~~~!!!!

of la XX Olimpiade Invernale a Torino

2006-02-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

I was watching the opening of the Winter Olympics at Torino, Italy. It made me all excited about Italy again. The fascinating dance pieces, well-choreographed movements and beautiful opera songs were wonderful! The commentators also did a good job of explaining the significance of many of those art displays and performances (eg those that originated from the Renaissance that began in Italy in the 14th century). I was highly amused, though, when they began playing pop music while each country's sportsmen marched out. First, there was Funkytown (!!!!). Then, there was YMCA, as "specially requested by the Slovakians" (???). Then, finally, 80s retro beats which culminated with Freedom when the americans marched out (!!!!???). Gosh. That was so wrong. When countries with like ONE sportsman marched out, i heard "i will survive... i will SURVIVE!" Sigh, I wonder if I am the only one who carried the meanings a little too far...
I had a good time listening to Presidente Champi and many other people give speeches in Italian too. It was a good practice for me.

Milano = Fashion capital of the world
Bologna = Food capital of Italy, "where you can't find bad food anywhere in the country anyway"
Darn it, I was looking at the Italian team. Molti bellissimi! All the guys were damn suave looking and the girls beautiful in a classy way. AAAARGGGH. I HEART ITALY (and italians).

I know this might sound weird, but I have no choice but to describe some italians I know. My current italian professor (Professoressa Giovanni Balleti) is not as nice a lady as my previous one. I know I have complained to some of you about her. But my point is not this. My point is that, erhmm, she's erhmm... erhmm.. "revealing" in a very classy way. How should I describe her? Hmm... ok, she comes to class in like a classy (you are going to hear me use this word SEVERAL times. you have been warned) black full-body leather coat. And she's really tall (like those venuezelan beauties on ms universe, not that i watch that dumb show) And she has like wavy hair that has nice not-too-big not-too-small curls and is almost shoulder length. And then when she takes off her coat, you realize that she's wearing a black blouse with satin laces and a long black skirt with a nice velvet-kind of texture to it. And then, erhmm, somehow or another, the blouses always PLUNGE DANGEROUSLY LOW at her cleavage. Every class, she bends down to operate the computer and there her creamy cleavage is. Exposed for everyone to see.

Wait. I am not a pervert. Let me try to rephrase my point which has gone awfully wrong.

My point is that she does this in a very tasteful and classy way. It's almost like you can feel her italian passion coupled with her high-class fashion. Gosh! I want to be like the italians! Ok, non possibile. I am obviously a fashion disaster who can't/don't-want-to-try to look better when I am already in such an ugly frame.
I feel like my italian professor is like some venus goddess (don't misunderstand me again. she's in her 30s) who teaches italian (duh!)

And then the other time I went to some italian party, I met this italian woman whose husband is teaching at the medical school here. She has 2 children and she runs 15km every other day and rock-climbs the italian alps whenever possible. Her half-marathon timing is 1:45min (I was so ashamed when she asked for mine) and she does "light running of 10km" when she's tired. AAARRGGH. Plus she has beautiful hair and nice high cheek bones.

Btw, for people who think that I am irrationally obsessed and that two people don't make a country, obviously I am just citing some examples. The obsession is with the language and culture. I just happened to notice the looks *innocent smile* .

To end this useless and pointless post, I would like to point out that every country's sportsmen that marched out during the winter olympics looked dignified (even if they were jumping exhuberantly). Only the american team began to climb on top of each other, wolf-whistle, push to get in front of the camera, and, get this, CALL SOMEONE ELSE ON HER CELL PHONE WHILE MARCHING DOWN THE STADIUM REPRESENTING HER COUNTRY.

I HEART ITALIA. out.

of transatlanticism and the need to run

2006-02-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

There is something that unites many people of this era. It is an elusive concept and many deny its existence, but it's something that I spend much time pondering about.

XXX

iTunes is truly a blessing in disguise. After giving up on trying to listen to Singapore radio online, I have been a fan of a taipei radio station, and another one in rome. But sometimes radio is not right for the heart: when you are down, you don't want to listen to commericals of washing powder (purely hypothetical); when you are happy you don't want to indulge in all the teenage angst of barely adolescent boy bands with their supposed punk-angst (yes, i invented this term) and what-nots.

There was a moment in time when I was obsessed with this person on the iTunes network, because everytime he/she came online (obviously the name sam isn't quite affirmatively sam as in male sam and not samantha sam), I would play his/her songs on shuffle. That was how I got to listen to Damien Rice in the first place. Somehow or another, I never quite realized that this was how I got to listen to Death Cab For Cutie too (the name rang a bell after different people mentioned it to me). They don't write songs. They write poems that touch you in the deepest realms of emotion.

If Death tasted so sweet, I would gladly embrace it. (where have you been, sam?)

XXX

Why is it that distance is never quite measured with a ruler? If I had a ruler that stretched to infinity and back, I still wouldn't be able to measure the distance.

XXX

And then, it so happens that tragedy is beautiful. Tragedy is so beautiful that it's the fragile flower that blooms in winter and crumbles into nothingness right in front of your eyes. Or the ones that loved but couldn't be together (actually they didn't want to live together and watch each other turn old and skin wrinkle and teeth drop and cancer develop and coffin buried). Or it could just be my sentiments for tragedy.

It's so beautiful that I barely can breathe when I think about it.

Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie

the atlantic was born today and i'll tell you how:

the clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere

when the water filled every hole.

and thousands upon thousands made an ocean,

making islands where no island should go.

oh no.

those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.

I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.

the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.

the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row

it seems farther than ever before

oh no.

I need you so much closer

so come on, come on

of plans and plans

2006-01-31T01:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, there is no time for any sentimental musing.

WHERE ARE MY ANG BAOS?

I AM LOSING MONEY EVERY CNY!

This is actually a ruse to console:

1) People who got less money this year
(why does everyone tell me that? isn't the recession kinda over?)

2) People who can't get money this year
(my condolences)

3) People who don't get money every year because their moms confiscated everything into their (as in the moms') bank account
(aka Chen Kaiwei the sad kid)

updates about my plans:

1) go to seattle over the weekend in the summer with aaron. Yes, grey's anatomy. I am so going to grace hospital which doesn't exist. Afterall, if dr. shepherd is scolded for being a "fisherman" for living in seattle, I would gladly die to become a "fisherman".

2) Ok, this plan is kinda in its formulation stage. Once I finish my next academic year, I have to move over to another place for graduate school. Assuming the college is in California, and assuming that I would have purchased my 2000-dollar-might-break-down-anytime-car by then, I will throw all my stuff into the car and do a road trip from Missouri to Kansas, Utah, Colarado, hopefully Wyoming, blah blah blah until I reach California. I have been told the direct route is 18 hours. So I will probably skirt lousy states (read: Kansas) and do a slightly longer route over 2 or 3 days while semi-seeing the sights along the way. Yes, Yellowstone Park is on the list (if everything goes well).

3) Ok, my ireland and scotland plans are going to change radically for March. Still in formulation.

4) No, St. Louis doesn't count.

5) Singapore is a very cute city.

Ok, I need to sleep. Buona notte everyone!

of time and nude beaches and dublin

2006-01-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

February 06 is almost here. Does that scare anyone?
Sheesh, time is such an elusive concept. When you want it to be slow, it zooms past you. Yet when you are in pain over a moment, it trickles oh-so-slowly.... And at other times, it simply ignores you and whether you are feeling high or low or even nonchalant, it still zooms ahead anyway.

I can already see myself with a pot-belly and doing a 9 to 5 (8 to 6 sounds more like it, considering they waived saturday work only to distribute it over the weekdays, VERY singapore LEH) job and fighting with the work crowd (consisting of a large portion of over-powdered ah-sohs and even more over-powdered ah-lians. what gives?) to buy lunch and get a dumb table (by waiting beside a full table blatantly and making them uncomfortable with hard occasionaly stares) and then planning (the keyword is planning) to exercise in the evening only to end up OTing and going home to watch Gabrielle Solis and the blonde nun from the south side of chicago cat fight and set each other on fire (yes, first hand info about desperate housewives from smartypants, for those in sg!) and finally washing the bowls absent-mindedly only to discover that none of the bowls have been washed properly (and then conveniently leaving them to dry anyway).

Wait, that's not a sad life btw (in my opinion). That's just a possible way of life (i.e. to say ah kai is fine with having a pot-belly since he's half way there alredi, thanks to the supersized burgers and fries here)

After this semester, I have 2 more semesters b4 I graduate and leave DA MIDWEST. And then one more academic year at either the east or west coast (hopefully) where there should be PLENTY of nude beaches (something I always tell myself) so I can go take a peek only to be chased by an angry mob of nudists because if you ain't nude too you ain't gut no rite to see dem nude ya no?

Oops, my beautiful sister is calling (haha, shameless advertising, i know). Gotta go. (shit, didn't manage to fully develop my story which was supposed to have like a sexy/violent/raunchy/creepy twist at the end just like that sixth sense guy)

Oh and something that I am really looking forward to: Dublin/Belfast on St. Patrick's Day!
(yes, I am still contemplating whether to be in full green, though I have deja vuS about being in full green. hehheh)

Happy new year to everyone! (only chris give me ang bao, somemore it's a virtual one on his blog. Dang!)

From Draga With Love

2006-01-26T07:18:00.000-08:00

From Draga With Love
Originally uploaded by holepuncher.

My housekeeper, Draga, was a victim of the central/eastern European violence (accompanied by rapid political changes). She fleed from then-Yugoslavia to Croatia with her family because of the political persecution that millions faced. She was eventually accepted by a Croatian family for a few years before she finally came to US with her whole family more than a decade ago. But this is one person that you can't find a single sign of sadness in. Her blue eyes twinkle when she tells me stories and of course, the blonde hair helps too (aaargh, blue eyes + blonde hair = killer looks most of the time. Never mind, ignore me). I think the most important take home lesson is to realize that regardless of how bleak things may be, you should never allow bitterness to overcome you. What ever life gives you, you should still "live life the way you dreamed of living it". Wishing everyone a fruitful (but not necessarily smooth-flowing) year ahead.

2006-01-09T00:42:00.000-08:00

I finally found the time to put up a multi-themed blog.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/la_destinazione/

=)

of things that flutter and leave us

2006-01-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

I have always thought of myself as a calm person. Somehow or another, I usually don't panick in exams, interviews, presentations etc... My belief is that if you are good enough, or if you have prepared adequately, then calmness and confidence will come along.

But I really panicked today.

Since young, my grandmother had always been hospitalized frequently. Both lineages of my family experienced severe heart problems and associated diseases and no one really seemed to live to an old age or was free of them. The end result was a silent acceptance that my grandmother was going to die soon, although things worked out well mysteriously because she just kept surviving all her heart diseases and attacks, coupled with diabetes.

So one evening when I was J1, my grandmother was hospitalized again. My parents asked me if I wanted to go with them to visit her in the hospital, and being really tired out from school (throughout my time in jc, i was involved in 7 ccas at one time or another), I said no. The real driving force though, was Ally Mcbeal at 10pm (on a thursday nite!). I still recall that Ally's first love (gosh, i can't remember his name) turned really cranky in that season, including cheating on his wife, dyeing his hair platinum blonde, and hiring an entourage of call-girls as escorts etc etc. That night was an "hilarious" episode cause he did really cranky stuff. My parents, being tired from work too, went to visit my grandmother at 8pm and returned by 9+ pm (conveniently attributing it to the end of visiting hours). My uncle, who used to sleep in the hospital with my grandma, returned home early too because he had a meeting the next day.

The next morning, I woke up at 6am and my mom made breakfast for me. I hurried off to school after that.

Before the first class started, I received a phonecall from my mom.

It turned out that my grandma had another attack and passed away in the hospital by herself, all alone. By the time they got to her, she was declared dead. This happened at 3plus am and the hospital only called at 7plus am. My mom sobbed and sobbed and was beyond consolation. All my relatives in China and Taiwan decided to fly back for the wake (yes, we ALWAYS fly back to see the dead person, never the one alive).

You know what? I was really terrified at the moment. Somehow or another, no one that I had known in an intimate context had passed away before. And guilt was raging in me because of that tv show that I wanted to watch so badly. So I confided in WH. And you know what? That was a really important moment for me because I never felt so close to her before. Because she understood what I felt. The terror of someone slipping away, but the inability to mourn because I had never been really close to my grandma anyway. Everytime I am reminded of people slipping away, I think of her and her kind understanding, and while I never could quite accept your love then, i appreciate all that is between us, no matter how long ago.

I attended the wake for the next few days and the week after, Ally's first love suddenly passed away.

He had a brain tumor.

Studying in America is in a way nice because I like living an independent lifestyle. You get to decide when to eat dinner (you can eat dinner at midnight if you want to), whether to eat dinner (you can go work out at the gym at 7pm), whether to cook dinner or to have greasy burgers... isn't freedom beautiful?

My first semester proved to be full of lessons waiting to be learnt. My parents have this habit of telling me the same thing on the phone: everything is fine here and you should concentrate on your studies. Admittedly, I called them less and less often because I was busy and sometimes I just didn't like "reporting" the things I had done.

Until one day, I got a paid account for ST online (it was a gift from my sship) and found out that China Aviation Oil's CEO had been arrested. The company was bankrupt and the CEO was arrested for illegal transactions (basically, he was playing with oil prices, much akin to playing at the stock market. He bought barrels of oil with money he didn't have when they were sky high, and he was forced to sell barrels of oil that he didn't have at bottom rock prices to pay off debts from the former).

Well well well, unfortunately, my dad stopped working since I was in J1 and my dad supported the family through shares (plus my mom worked too). After my mom had to stop working too (after-effects of 911), my parents poured their money into CAO. (some people might recall that CAO tripled in value in the short span of half a year due to sole refuelling rights to China aircrafts) My dad had put in my sister and my savings into the shares before I left and they were always talking about how much they had made on the stock market.

So when I saw that news, I called home and my dad happily told me that the family was doing well.

3 weeks later ( i was REALLY busy), I called again and both my parents were uncontacteable. A call to my sis told me that my grandfather had passed away in China (where he was trying to recuperate) and my parents had hastily flown off for his wake. I wasn't to worry because "studies are the most important". They decided against calling me in case I would be affected so later I received an email which briefly explained the date and cause of his death.

Just before I put down the phone, I asked my sis about CAO. She hesitated but told me it was true after I mentioned that I had read the news too. Somehow or another, I didn't think it was a good idea to tell my dad that I knew. He needed the consolation too.

To quote my sis, on the day that CAO crashed, my father said: "Today is the saddest day of my life".

I felt a little lonely in america at that moment. Just a little.

Thank you for your help today CT. I really really really appreciate it. I am, of course, hoping for the best too. Hopefully it's just a urinary tract infection and not kidney stones.

I love you very much mama.

A note to myself: I have calculated that for year 2006, I will spend a projected period of 5 weeks in Singapore due to my summer lab job. That worries me. The Litany of Fear is something that I keep looking at these few days. I must not fear.

Love you guys.

Last Dance in St. Louis: of demise and the passing of all things

2005-12-27T03:32:00.000-08:00

Every time I do the St. Louis - New York - Singapore route, I feel exceptionally emotional.
It's almost like a triggered response, or a classically conditioned response. My life is segmented into different unrelated sections and that's something that I try to deal with.
I still remember that year that my sis went to Deutschland (aka Germany) for IA (and of course to practise her German skills) and she called back and cried because of the loneliness there. You know what? We humans are so conditioned to live in our comfort zones. We want to be surrounded by familiarity, but yet we yearn to break loose and explore the other side of the pasture. I remember that one of the most impt mice breeding techniques in the science lab is to provide something akin to a haystack for mice when they have just given birth to a litter. It promotes a sense of security and comfort. Or think about the rhesus baby monkey that only hugs that fake cloth mother regardless of where feeding comes from (yet another classical psychological expt).
So when I flew over New Jersey over the dark night and the pilot suddenly directed our attention to the Statue of Liberty on the other side of the bay, I thought I was going to cry. It has nothing to do with freedom nor tourist attractions. It has everything to do with the grandeur of a sad beauty that weeps in the night as she stands alone with her blazing torch as her only company.
When I was ten years old, I saw her once and I thought she looked old and worn out. Now I make a point to see her everytime I plough this route. I wonder if this is like Oscar Wilde's story of the prince and the swallow, doomed to both fade away in the dark cold night, fulfilled but nonetheless ice cold.

The biological world is not in a perpetual cycle. It is perhaps shifting directionally, but unpredictably. (credit goes to Ernst Mayr, through Darwinism)
I am of course that heartless fellow who never cries at movies. Movies are make believe and make believe stuff do not touch me enough to make me cry.
But over Thanksgiving when I heard Hallelujah (by Rufus Wainwright) in Delmar Loop I felt moved beyond words. And then the Edukators made use of that song in yet another highly emotionaly scene. That's how beautiful Christmas is. It brings out an odd sense of emotional euphoria coupled with some sort of weirdly depressing but poignant all-things-come-to-an-end feeling.

Of course there really isn't a point to all of this. My point is that all of us want a point to all and everything. But transient is the way of life. So we develop defence mechanisms (yet another Freudian mechanism to preserve our sanity) and we come up with all sorts of things to justify and to reassure ourselves. Truth is, the only way to understand and truly possess security is to give it up. At the end of time, there really isn't much to talk about because nothing really needs to be said.

If 2005 has been a down year for you my friend, dance with me. Let it be our last dance in St. Louis. Let the snow flakes fall around us and we be oblivious to all. Let the winter sun set gracefully into the far horizon as we leave all that is painful behind us. Let the troop of geese that walks across that bare terrain of dried grass and weeds be the beacon of happiness for all mankind.

I put a little seed into the soil and I pray that next summer it shall be strong and healthy. Of course that is most probably not the case because as you know, hurricanes and earthquakes seem to be the talk of 2005. But nevertheless, the point (ar, finally a point!) is that I plant a seed of hope for all who mourn that which has passed us and is now in the wind.

And of course I give my l'ultimo bacio to the wind.

Hallelujah

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing

Hallelujah Hallelujah, HallelujahHallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beautyin the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the

Hallelujah Hallelujah, HallelujahHallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before I know this room,
I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, HallelujahHallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, HallelujahHallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, HallelujahHallelujah, HallelujahHallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

2005-12-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we are really fearful of pursuing the dreams or happiness that we want. It's so daunting because of what others might think, or worse still, what we think others might think. But as I grow older, I begin to realize that it's so important to not have any regrets at the end of the day.

Because I wouldn't want just brokeback mountain between us and we ain't got nothing else.

Della fedeltà

2005-12-15T03:58:00.000-08:00

"L'ultimo Bacio" è molto triste perchè come lei ha parlato: "C'è no speranza per ci al giorno ultimo."

Non lo so, ma io voglio di provare alla finalità.

2005-12-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

緩緩飄落的kai kai像楓葉
我點燃燭火溫暖歲末的秋天

2005-12-12T23:36:00.000-08:00

Dear beautiful stranger: You walk across miles and miles of endless desolete landscape because you yearn to find that beacon of hope. One day you chance upon a castle and you think that perhaps this might be the promise land afterall. You run into the castle and find the closest flight of stairs that you can. You run up the stairs and one storey, two storey, three storey... the ecstasy of anticipation culminates in you and just as you reach the top level, you realize that the door to the top of the castle is locked dead.

2005-12-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Grass: I have always been obssessed with snow covers. Like how 5 inches of snow stays on the roof of beautiful cottages. Or how snow covers the whole field and people trudge through them. Or maybe even that little snow flake that descends so slowly in its fragile trajectory. But one thing for sure: it must be cold out there ain't it? To live in perpetual coldness and bleakness, now that's what I call resilience.

2005-12-12T23:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Lamp-post: Once upon a time, Professor Dumbledore walked down the streets and made every single lamp post light up at his will. And then once day when you wake up, you realize that you are left all alone in the world. Never mind that Dumbledore has passed away and they changed the actor. Never mind that the new Dumbledore will be dead by the half-blood prince anyway. Never mind that you may have never even seen Dumbledore anyway. You know what? You have a friend and there he is leaning on your shoulders.

2005-12-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

Dear swallow: That's how it is. Winter is here and all your frens and loved ones have flown down south. But why do you not go? Why do you guard the mistletoe tree that no longer sings to you? Why does the snow put everyone under its icy spell? Would you survive the winter? I love you.

A long absence

2005-12-12T23:07:00.000-08:00

There has to be a day when Winter silently creeps up and tells Fall: "Your time is over."

That's just how it is for all of us.

2005-12-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

Professoressa Sforza is someone that I will miss terribly now that the semester has come to an end. So the midwest has been plagued with large-scale snow storms recently. Amy, being from California, got so excited that she asked Professoressa Sforza if we could have a snow fight for the italian class. So a snow fight we had. The only rule: You could only speak italian. Which resulted in fragments of "I HATE YOU" and "YOU DIE I LIVE" etc etc. You know what? I am really going to miss you so terribly Professoressa Sforza. Because you made me study italian over macrogenetics or organic chem. Because we watched italian art films in our class. Because we meet every single day for class (and got homework every single day too). Because I have become obssessed with everything italian and will be taking italian language class and roman empire classical studies classes til i graduate. Because you told me that you couldn't believe that an asian dude could learn italian in a class of people who spoke Espan�l and Francaise. And last but not the least, because I feel that you are a fren to me. =)

2005-12-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

After Professoressa Sforza told everyone to start a snow fight...

2005-12-12T22:56:00.000-08:00

Running in a snow fight is a good way to keep warm!

2005-12-12T22:55:00.001-08:00

We wanted to make a snowman but the snow storm was just too horrible and i ended up kicking some snow together to make a "lying-down" snowman. Lame. Check out those boots! Aaargh

2005-12-12T22:55:00.000-08:00

It's time for a snow fight! Wheee!

2005-12-12T22:54:00.001-08:00

Sometimes a snow ball is not the best weapon...

2005-12-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

The snowy babes...

2005-10-31T21:05:00.000-08:00

喜欢一个人孤独的时刻

但不能喜欢

太多

2005-10-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

I went to some weird Halloween party, which turned out to be a terribly bad event because nothing was happening other than free flow of bad booze and of course orange-colored candy.

It made me wonder how on earth cadets managed to drink so much of beer during mess initiations and other social events where random lieutenant-colonels come up to you with a jug of beer and literally make you dunk it down your little scrawny neck. Gone are those days; I feel like puking the moment i taste beer nowadays. (As everyone knows, Touche is the way to go now!)

Talking about beer, actually I pretty much adore Jamaican beer, i.e. the Red Striped ones. I kinda like the design of the can because it looks like some post-communistic or guerilla-tactics-inspired print. Plus they have nice little short bottles that have extremely thick glass walls (like some root beer bottles). Texan beer is a nono though. This has got nothing to do with Bush, it's just bad. Anheuser-Busch of St. Louis is no angel either, although they paid for one of our buildings over here.

But rest assured that I really hate drinking. Really. (Unless it's champagne, merlot, or chardonnay or some new cocktail) (Wait, so does sex on the beach count as A cocktail?) (Judy said she got drunk drinking sex on the beach. My question: Did you have sex on the beach after that?) ((Her answer was a VERY DISAPPOINTED NO)) (((btw, st. louis doesn't have beaches. does that make you feel better?))

Oh, and I haven't been blogging because I have been severely handicapped with time. The next two weeks will be worse. I have only written some very short private entries as drafts because they are kinda private, or else they are just not comprehendable by anyone else other than me because of the references I use (some private, some just outta da way in a very geeky sense, such as Descartes' Mediations. Read all 5 chapters and we can talk about it someday!)

So these are short random trivials that happened here over the past 2 weeks that might be interesting:

- I watched 3 Wong Kar Wai movies, all ordered off Amazon. Watched Taxi Cum Zlo, some german art film filmed like more than 20 yrs ago. Erhmm kinda disturbing, and a great disappointment at the end. Watched Il Demarcon by the famous italian director. I understood very little of the words because i simply conjugate verbs and compress prepositions with articles too slowly. The short stories were great and my favorite one was about the sexually oppressed nuns who decide to have sex with the apparently mute and deaf garderner (he isn't) and only discovering that he actually talks while they are having sex with him and then the Holy Mother runs off to sound the church bell declaring it a miracle (that God has made him able to talk and listen again). While the gardener goes on to service every single one of the nuns. Haha, absolutely awesome!

- Went for a cross-country race in a farm in Belleville, Illinois. Erhmm very bad timing. But I thoroughly enjoyed the pumpkin displays and the nice terrain and scenery etc. Running is always cool because it's a time that you feel time slipping past you and your mind is free to wander off to things that you normally don't ponder about. (eg smashing the head of somebody you hate in that ULTRA GIGANTIC pumpkin)

- Rosa Parks passed away. That's very sad. For the less informed, she was that well-publicized blacklady who refused to give up her seat to a white woman in a bus many decades ago. She revolutionized how we view racial and class differences.

- The White Sox won. After 88 years. Smashin!

- Miers is out. I burst out laughing when I saw her smiling radiantly as she walked out of the White House and getting surrounded by tonnes of reporters. Reminds me of how during the Oscars or any prize ceremony, they would announce the nominees and the cameras would zoom in on their million-dollar smiles and then ONE name would be announced and the rest of the nominees would put on a BILLION-DOLLAR smile for that 10 seconds that the camera tried to capture any sense of disappointment on their faces. I think we really need someone undecided on this post. The last time the court voted on abortion, Sarah O' Connor voted for partial abortion rights and they won 5-4. I can't stress the social importance of partial abortion rights and as a legislator, never allow your personal religious beliefs to get into the way of social policies because when a 14 year old girl is raped out there, telling her that some conservatives (I refuse to name any religion although some might think a certain religious group aggressively voices such opinions) think that abortion is wrong and hence she should drop out of school to spend the next ten years raising a kid she never wanted just doesn't sound remotely sound to me.

- We celebrated Temu's bday. Nicole baked chocolate chip cookies and we had cookies with milk and cupcakes with cream and strawberries!

- Went camping at Cuivre River State Park, one hour north of St. Louis. The fall colors were so breathtaking. Fall has always been my favorite season. It is the season to feel life, to appreciate the birth of it and the ebbing of it. We toasted marshmallows in the night (my attempts to make smores failed terribly because the chocolate would just fall into the fire instead of melting into the marshmallow), played frisbee and threw the dumb football (american) around, did night hikes (I saw fireflies again. Beautiful creatures that make this world so much more beautiful at night!) and then told ghost stories in the tent (adam's tennessee ghost stories were bad, but they were no match for my chinese high ghost stories coupled with japanese soldiers and executions of communists in the clock tower and blood splurting out from that fountain that they have planted trees IN)... The rest of the night was spent shivering in the sleeping bag because temperatures became sub-zero at night. When we saw the trailers (evidently yet another american phenomena: why go camping if you are going to stay in a trailer) with white people watching tv and baking cookies in them, we looked like poor college kids trying to survive out there in the cold harsh weather. I wish I knew Paris Hilton personally.

Ok, that was very random.

- Took care of ham-hamster for a few days!

- Went for Anna Nalick's concert. I gotta admit that she's not just a great singer, but a great entertainer too. She told this really funny story of how she went to Hardees (akin to carls' jr) to get some food to go when she arrived in st. louis. At the drive-thru, she told the cashier "number 6" (referring to a meal set on the menu) and the cashier asked her what drink she wanted along with it. She thought that "6" referred to just the burger and that the cashier had RECOGNIZED HER and was giving her a free drink so she giggled and chose some soda. And then she asked the cashier: "Do you want me to sign something?" (like an autograph)

The cashier replied: "No, you can only pay by cash here (i.e. you can't sign a cheque)."

- Oh, and I have been volunteering at this home for abandoned animals. It's been getting very sad because when I went there again, most of the animals were different becase a few were adopted, and many were put to sleep (they don't have much funding). Basically, our job is to clean the cages, walk the dogs, pick up the poo etc.

I have been wondering how much life is really worth. Every time I go to work at the lab, I gas mice and there they are struggling in the box, hyper ventilating, trying to catch a wisp of oxygen as I steadily increase the pressure of the gas. When they die, all their poo and pee just come off them because the sphincter muscle is non-consciously controlled. And then I cut off their heads and extract their brains with surgical tools. And then comes the in vitro part and I thank god that I won't be killing for the day again. Of course, I know it's for the advancement of science and studying west nile virus in mice might somehow save somebody else one day (of course I don't mean that I will be the one to find the cure, that's kinda impossible) but sometimes I can't help but wonder what I am doing.
When I went to the home for abandoned animal again, I found that a pair of brother dogs were gone. They apparently had very different fates. The white and cuter one was adopted and the one with more dark spots was put to sleep. I felt so ashamed because the week before I was gushing to my friend how cute the whiter one was and how I wanted to walk him so badly (even though they were dirty and stuff). So the previous weel I decided to walk ugly and fierce dogs. the uglier the better. It was not an easy task. They were usually the bigger ones and tended to be very hard to handle. When I did the last dog of the day (a brown bull dog that looks absolutely ugly), I really wondered if I could handle him. After some struggling, I managed to put him on a leash and the moment we were out of the building, he just turned over on his back and then I realized that he wanted a tummy rub! that's all! he barely ran around. Every 10 steps or so, he would turn over and I would give him a tummy rub and he would be wiggling in ecstasy. I felt so ashamed for judging him as ugly and being reluctant to walk him as most of the other volunteers had done so too.
If you think about it, he was easily the most beautiful dog there.
Hmm, I really pray that he's not put to sleep the next time I go back there. Contemplating the finer details of life makes you discover that we all should be thankful for what we have. I find myself pulling away from people who keep complaining and whining about everything (of course, at this point everything thinks that I am talking about them but I am just referring to one extreme example of a person so don't worry) because sometimes when you have reached such a stage, honestly, you are no better than a dog.

appreciate what we have and what we don't have. (even though smartypants has 4Bs this semester already. haha)

oh, and to end this entry, remember the halloween party I went to at the beginning of this entry?

Well, I wasn't officially invited there. I was just invited by a friend that was officially invited there (i.e. she didn't have the right to invite me). And so I went to the counter and there was this nun giving out free pizzas and I happily asked for a pepperoni slice and a meatball slice. After I took the pizza, my friend asked me: "You are not even officially supposed to be here and you actually have the audacity to collect food from the nun?"

Thinking that some church probably had organized the halloween party and paid for the food etc (which is common in america, since churches try to reach out to colleges etc), I felt terribly bad and kept apologizing profusely for "stealing" food from the nun.

A minute later, the nun called out to a friend to take over her counter duty and she left the counter to "dance" in the party.

OMG. She's just another student dressed up as a nun!

I really wished I was smarter and less gullible at that moment.

Dwang!

PS: don't bother trying to leave comments on the pictures. they have been blocked too!

2005-10-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

The western man's need to cry

2005-10-29T15:26:00.001-07:00

The sun sets.

2005-10-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

The long and winding road....

2005-10-29T15:25:00.001-07:00

actually it's very cold

2005-10-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Fall is my favorite season. Have i said that alredi?

2005-10-29T15:24:00.002-07:00

fall is here!

2005-10-29T15:24:00.001-07:00

erhmm this is supposed to be our farnie pose

2005-10-29T15:24:00.000-07:00

beautiful

2005-10-29T15:23:00.002-07:00

Old bridge

2005-10-29T15:23:00.001-07:00

Camp fire died. =(

2005-10-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

Tents!

2005-10-29T15:22:00.001-07:00

Something that I lack

2005-10-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

Ham-hamster in my room!

2005-10-29T15:21:00.000-07:00

Anna Nalick: Do you want an autograph? hehheh

2005-10-29T15:20:00.001-07:00

Temu's bday

2005-10-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Temu in bliss (bcos of organic chem)

2005-10-29T15:19:00.001-07:00

Genetic variation and incomplete dominace and epistatis at work here.

2005-10-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

Everyhone who went

2005-10-29T15:18:00.001-07:00

This looks like a swan! discovered by a very talented smartypants

2005-10-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

erhmm, i don't know what this looks like. REALLY

2005-10-29T15:17:00.002-07:00

Gourds

2005-10-29T15:17:00.001-07:00

More baby gourds

2005-10-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

Haha king of the hill!

2005-10-29T15:16:00.001-07:00

The farm

2005-10-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

Pumpkins!

2005-10-29T15:15:00.001-07:00

Cat too

2005-10-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that the camera is playing tricks on your eyes. I don't have a receding hairline. Dog.

2005-10-29T15:14:00.002-07:00

Wheeeee!

2005-10-29T15:14:00.001-07:00

This is a cat too!

2005-10-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Cat

2005-10-29T15:13:00.002-07:00

wah wah!

2005-10-29T15:13:00.001-07:00

Wah wah!

2005-10-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

Wah wah wah!

2005-10-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

Wah!

of regrets and hopes

2005-10-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

A day in smartypants' life (10/6/05) :

450am: Alarm clock rang.

515am: I woke up very reluctantly and dragged myself off the bed. Quick shower, then i began to study for my psychology exam which would start at 10am.

815am: Orange juice! I thot that would wake me up.

850am: Scrambled to Organic Chem lecture.

907am: Prof Taylor said that everyone did well for yesterday's mid term exam. Average is probably a bit more than 70. Proceeded with yet another very boring lecture.

10am: Psych exam. I forgot that the opponent process theory pairs red with green for vision, not red with blue. And I forgot if amphetamines are more like endorphins or serotonin or dopamines. But overall it went fine,

11am: Italian class. It was Parents' Weekend. Many pple came with their parents. Wondered if I was happy or sad that my parents would never quite make it to Parents' Weekend for 4 years. Professoressa Sforza said that our Italian exams yesterday were really well done. She added, " I haven't marked them yet." Hmm, not very convincing. Offa! We learnt some other action verbs today and how to conjugate them. Getting more and more complicated!

12am: Prof Chris decided to discuss how connectionism had advantages and disadvantages over folk psychology. I asked him why there were advantages or disadvantages since neither had been proven right (we do not know if our mind works like a mesh or parallel network with weighted connections and nodes and hidden layers, or as a serial computation with formal symbols and rules of manipulation). I am quite certain he's a connectionist.

1234pm: She called. I rejected the phone call cos i was in class.

1pm: Got back orgo exam. B. =( Didn't study much for this exam (i.e. zero the night before) cos of Italian. Over confident. Was wondering if I would lose my sship over this if I continued to perform like that.

110am: She called to say she was sorry about my orgo exam and to encourage me. I said it was fine and thank you.

111am: She called again. I didn't pick up the phone call.

112am: I got a voice mail. She said she could hear the disappointment in my voice and said she was very worried for me. And that she wanted to cook for me on Mon. I didn't respond.

Had lunch, then hurried down to Klein lab to work.

215pm: Started a huge batch of RNA extraction from cortical neuron cells of mice that were infected with West Nile Virus. 24 samples. Trizol was everywhere in the air. Very carcinogenic. No choice.

3pm: My mentor suddenly asked me if I liked Japanese food. I said 10 "yes" in a quick succession. My mentor spent like 9 years in Japan before he came to the states. We talked about the hot sulphur springs in Beppu, the emergent cuisine and culture in Fukouka, the atomic bomb museums at Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the Tokyo night lights (and the disappointing Tokyo Tower: a much blander version of Eiffel) and whether Kyushu or Honshu was nicer. Of course we talked about Japanese food: the sumptous yakitori, the little vending machines that would dispense food tickets so u could bring the food ticket to the counter to collect your food (over mechanization, but in a very cute way), and of course, more food, more sushi, more sashimi, more yakitori, and then more yakitori. He told me that in Japan it's almost "compulsory" to give like a one month bonus every 3 months (so long as the company wasn't doing badly). A very "samurai" working culture where you are kept on your toes to perform by the quarterly bonus. He was in a public univ so every 3 mths he would definitely get a 1.5month bonus. That made him live very comfortably there. Plus the food, plus the culture, plus the beauty of the land.

I couldn't resist asking him: "So why did you come to the states?"

Suddenly his jovial face just fell. He looked into the air for an extended moment, shook his head for a bit, then turned and looked at me:

"I always thought life is the best in the US. I have never regretted giving up my life in Japan."

*stark silence*

530pm: Judy the lab officer came to criticize the way i handled the specimens. She said I shouldn't be throwing alcohol into the trash can. My mentor came to my rescue. It was 100% ethanol and evaporated real quickly. After my mentor walked out of the lab, Judy still stood by my side. Only then did i realized: she actually wanted to talk. So we made small talk. She said she had to paint her house door this evening. After a very long story from her, I realized that the condo management hired people to paint their doors. Why would she have to paint her own door? And so i jokingly said "If you don't want those pple to paint your door, then at least get your husband to do it. Don't do it by urself!" Well, I assumed she was married bcos she's like 58 yrs old. bad choice. She replied "Oh, I don't have a husband. I live all alone."

*short moment of silence*

Me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.
Judy: Why are you sorry? I don't need one!

We talked for another 15min and I more or less learnt about her whole marriage story. It turns out that she divorced 20 years ago when her daughter was 11 years old. She said she loved her husband very much then. And one day, they bought this classic 1962 car but they could not afford to buy one with leather interior bcos they were still poor then. So, over many weekends, she would personally sew or stick pieces of fabrics together. And then they pasted this over the inner side of the doors and over the seats etc and they had a beautiful theme. All the upholstery was white and black. She just loved the car and her husband then.

A week later, he sold the refurnished car for a higher price and got himself a 1965 Brevet cos that was his dream car. They divorced shortly after. (btw, all the time while she was saying this, she was in high spirits about the weekend and laughing a lot)

Just before Judy left, she suddenly turned back and said "I just wanted you to know: he got married again. And they are still together. And you know what's the worst thing? SHE'S A VERY NICE PERSON."

I was stunned. Recovered in a few seconds time and was wondering what I should say.

Me: That's a loss for her! I pity her!
Judy: (almost wants to hi-five me) EXACTLY! I PITY HER! HUH! (goes on to leave the lab)

*a very poignant moment*

6pm: Everyone had left the lab except for me. I was doin Ribogreen analysis of RNA levels.

610pm: Checked email. Received an email from her sayign that she was very worried about me, my studies, whether I was eating nutritious food etc. Didn't reply either.

612pm: Texted her on her cell phone that I appreciated her concerns.

615pm: Prof Robyn Klein walked in (my boss). She called me into the office and asked if the Western blotting was successful. I told her it wasn't that great, but I was still working on it. She didn't seem happy. The problem is that she never seemed satisfied with my work. She would tell me stories of how she worked 40 hrs in the lab every week while she was an undergraduate at Harvard. And how successful her research was when she got her M.D and Ph.D there in 8 years (*shocked*). Somehow or another, I always felt that she didn't need to hire me. The one person she wanted to hire most was herself.

Suddenly, in the most twisted of events, she told me: "Josh (her hubby) and I are adopting. From Guatemala. She's of Mayan origin (central american. I don't mean like present central american, if you know what i mean). We are flying there next week to get her. She's 9 months old."
I couldn't help but ask her why she wanted to adopt. It turned out that she had always known since 16 yrs old that she would adopt one day. After she gave birth to her first daughter Nisha, she went through a great amount of surgery due to complications. She couldn't get impregnated for a few years and then she turned 40. So Josh and her decided that instead they would help a homeless kid out there.

Before she left, she said one last thing: "If this baby grows up and decides one day that she would want to leave us and return to Guatemala and live a life there, I would let her go. Because I really love her and that makes her a part of me already. That's what I really want to offer her. Not just a home. But love."

After she left, I saw a child's painting on her door, by Nisha (her biological daughter).
"Dear Mom, you made me cry last night. But I love you very much. Nisha."

7pm: Entered the West Nile virus room after changing into MOG 4. The West Nile Virus room is classified BioHazard Safety level 3. Anything brought into the room can't be taken out. Unless it is destroyed in a massive oven. I did my Ribogreen analysis while I switched on the radio.

A soulful voice filled the room. Norah Jones' Turn Me On. And then I just kept staring at the radio. Which owner could be so cruel? To bring a radio into a level 3 biohazard lab? And to condemn it to eternity in the lab, never to be taken out again and never to see the outside world again (truly, "til death do they part").

Felt sad for the radio.

750pm: The streets were blazing cold. Took the shuttle back. Reached back my dorm at 830pm. Tink I will cut the day at here.

Of regrest and hopes: I think the best way to live life is to face ur regrets and hopes in its face. That's courage, and I mean true courage.

PS Hastily written Will touch up another time.

PUBLIC APOLOGY

2005-10-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

Dear friends:
I am so sorry for posting a picture of That-Who-Can't-Be-Named. I apologize for all damages caused to your eyes, nose, ears and mental health.
Thanks to Ms Pp, this injustice has been redressed. I pledge to provide counselling and financial assistance (in the form of Reeses' chocolate peanut butter cups) for those who have been blinded or traumatized or mentally convoluted by this picture.

P.S. Artwork courtesy of Ms Pp. Author is too busy right now.

Sincerely,
Smartypants

2005-10-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

10 reasons why smartypants wanna go to taiwan (again)

1. Smartypants has nice relatives there that he can't recognize: both physically and relation-wise. It's been a decade since my first trip to Taiwan, you can't blame me for not telling apart my 表舅 and 表姨丈. Yes, I know it makes a GREAT difference.

2005-10-04T19:29:00.000-07:00

2. 香鸡排. For your info, I am pretty sure that this stall has been there since I first went Taipei a decade ago. Honestly, I remember 超大大香鸡排!

2005-10-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

3. Ridiculously large cups of bubble tea at dirt-cheap prices.

Plus you get to change into fall fashion while holding a cup of bubble tea in both hands and sipping greedily at it. Priceless.

2005-10-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

4. The trash-collecting trucks are equipped with ah beng-like spot lights and blast earth shattering pop/folk music so you can hear them a mile away before they even reach your neighbourhood.

According to the taiwanese soldiers i befriended, graduates want to become trash collectors because of the welfare system in Taiwan. They get a decent pay equivalent to roughly 2K SGD a month. Some graduates think that it beats slogging out there for a, say, 2.5K pay with a boss down your neck everyday.
And yes, in Taiwan, the higher educated you are, the shorter the period you serve in army. Go shoot yourself! haha kidding... Contrary to Singapore, Taiwanese try VERY hard to enter tertiary institutes in a bid to shorten their service period. I think that talking to the Taiwanese soldiers during the exercises and in their military camps was very eye-opening. Plus their humpvees are like twice the size of our military rovers! (This is really shameful, but our military rovers are of the brand Mercedes Benz. Still kena pawned!)

Note: (Pic) Our rover on left, Taiwanese humpvee on right.

2005-10-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

5. Politicians sing KTV on the street to attract voters. And I mean hokkien tunes, not 王心凌's Da Da Da.

"爱拼才会赢!"

2005-10-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

6. Both 王心凌 and S.H.E. are from Taiwan. (槟榔妹s are unfortunately distasteful. Leopard-spots bikini in WINTER???? )

Ok, this is a scam to screen more pictures of 王心凌. So what? I propose that all schools change their school song to 王心凌's 爱你.
And make it compulsory for people to mass dance 爱你 at the morning assembly. Everyday. (I don't mind singing the wang shao wei part. hehheh)

Put your hands up put your hands up!
一直在打喷涕一直在打喷涕!

2005-10-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

7. Ah Kai wants to be taiwanese because their instant noodles rawk! You get different local brands at different provinces. The last time I was at 草嶺, they produced 竹笋 locally and so the local instant noodles bowl contained a huge satchet of beef stir fried in 竹笋, plus (get this) HALF A BOILED EGG. *slurp* I SWEAR I WAS IN TOTAL DISBELIEF WHEN I SAW THE BOILED EGG DROP OUT OF THE SATCHET.

2005-10-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

8. Every city has a major night market (eg 适林夜市 at Taipei). Check out the one at 高雄; it's smaller but more "rustic", and equally bustling with life! Don't forget to buy vintage badges and pins, fake perfume that smells bad, iced red bean muah chee, and of course go goo-goo-ga-ga with ah kai while performing dorky moves on the streets!

2005-10-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

9. Smartypants was once a cadet in Taiwan: he kept getting lost everywhere he went.

2005-10-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

10. Smartypants was once an instructor and emplanning officer in Taiwan: he finally didn't get lost. =)

2005-10-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

Before I vanish *poof!* because of the 3 mid-terms this coming week, just a short update:

Philosophy-Neuroscience-Psychology: Cognitive Science 200

1) In his paper "Minds, Brains and Programs" (1978), John Searle claims that strong AI is impossible in principle. First, explain exactly what Searle means by this claim. Then, explain carefully how he argues for its truth. Is his reasoning sound? Why or why not? Defend your verdict with care.

2) Internal representational symbols are taken to be semantically transparent on the traditional, computational model of cognition, and they are taken to be semantically opqaue on the connectionist model of cognition. Explain these two claims. Which one seems more plausible? Why? Defend your verdict with care.

Ok, I am very inclined to the first question. Think I understand strong AI much better than connectionism and all the talk about parallelism compared to serial computation. I think if I did question 2, I would have to go into syntax too since it's a medium-length paper. Hmm, but on the other hand, Searle answers retorts from MIT, Yale and Stanford. Hard to follow some of his other arguments too. Will have to focus on the Chinese Room then. Guess I was hoping very much for a neuroscientist to teach this cognitive science class. Who would expect a philosopher to walk into the class and preach about emergent consciousness and connective systems?

On a lighter note:

St. Louis Lambert - New York Newark - Singapore Changi

22Dec05 03:35pm ThursdayAir American Airlines Flight# 5316 Class:S
From: St Louis Intl MO, USA 22Dec05 03:35pm Thursday
To: Newark NJ, USA 22Dec05 07:10pm Thursday

SQ0021 22 Dec
Dep:2300 22 Dec
Arr: 0635 24 Dec

Singapore Changi- New York Newark - St. Louis Lambert

SQ0022 15 Jan
Dep: 1205 15 Jan
Arr: 1715 15 Jan

Newark NJ, USA 15Jan06 07:45pm Sunday
To: St Louis Intl MO, USA 15Jan06 09:30pm Sunday

Ok, back to Italian, orgo and psych!

Arrivederci and prego!

2005-09-30T00:37:00.000-07:00

While I was waiting for the proctors to give out the mid-term exam papers yesterday evening, I saw my genetics professor in person for the first time ever in my life. It felt really weird seeing him considering the fact that I have never attended a single lecture of his in real life. heck, i don't even know which lecture hall the class is in.... sheesh....

needless to say, smartypants bombed at the exam

*keeping fingers crossed*

looks like this sem i really need to lower expectations.... =)

It's friday folks (for those at the other side of the world)! Have fun and chill out!

2005-09-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

nightime

at nightime, i go out and see the people
air goes cool and hurrying on my way
and dressing so sweet, all the people to see
they're looking at me, all the people to see
and when i set my eyes on you
you look like a kitty
and when you're in the mood
oh, you look so pretty
caught a glance in your eyes
and fell through the skies
glance in your eyes
and fell through the skies
i'm walking down the freezing street
scarf goes out behind
you said, "get them away"
please don't say a word
get me out of here
get me out of here
i hate it here
get me out of here

2005-09-27T22:27:00.000-07:00

Finally snapped out of the trashy songs mood, thanks to Rachael Yamagata's Worn Me Down.

Worn me down like a road.
I did everything you told.
Worn me down to my knees.
I did everything to please.
But you can't stop thinking about her.
No, you can't stop thinking about her.

2005-09-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

I have lotsa friends who can cook marvellously. Some of them are outspoken about it, some of them aren't. For those who are, and who take boooooooootiful pictures of chinese food that they have cooked, please do not send them to me. For those who have blogs or ljs, stop posting pictures of orh nee, pineapple rice, japanese curry rice (all 3 belonging to a certain individual) or fried chicken wings or nasi lemak or dim sum or chicken chop. I will personally chop you when I come back to Singapore. That I promise you. *evil smirk*

On the other hand, smartypants is quite smart in the kitchen too. Although I specialize in chinese/jap/korean cuisine (read: instant noodles), we decided to cook the other day, just to get away from all the burritos, pasta, quesadillas and double cheeseburgers with pepper jack.

Smartypants bought eggs from WalMart (yes, my fave haunt now) and placed them in his fridge. Well, obviously smartypants wasn't very smart afterall. I thought the colder the better (correct what, then the eggs won't spoil that fast)....

erhmm so... erhmm these are the pics of the frozen eggs.

I am so sorry; this post wasn't meant to be that disturbing. But I was really very traumatized to find out that eggs DO freeze afterall and you get a popsicle-like quality to the frozen eggs. *very traumatized*

Oh and on a side note, although smartypants froze the eggs and wasn't that smart afterall, he manged to get the shells off the frozen eggs! High five smartypants!

PS. I threw the rock hard eggs on the floor until they cracked so I could remove the shell. Please tell me that I am a genius.

2005-09-23T23:02:00.000-07:00

Languid: I like the way she moved her fingers as the music flowed through her. It's very beautiful, but a little painful to watch, cos you know every single little movement was planned and orchestrated. sorry if this doesn't make sense